Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever start a team, I'm going to name it "Each Other Off"...That way when we loose a game, the other players will have to tell people they "beat each other off last night"!!!

   My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.

   Those dudes who enter air guitar competitions must get mad air pu$$y.

   Before lying to me, ask yourself this: when was the last time an ax was held over my head?

   Google is defiently female, because it has an answer for everything!

   Be with someone you hide nothing from.

   Pu$$y is the most expensive food in the world. And sometimes you pay and still you don't eat.

   Man: What would you do if I win the lotto? Wife: I will take half and leave you! Man: Here is your $7 now F off

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   I told her dried semen was a lot easier to get out than fresh but she still wanted a towel...well I guess it was in her eyes.

   How in the hell do Chinese people see when they're high?

   Men brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they've got a six pack. Women brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they're losing weight

   Quick, die! I'll explain later.

   You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL!

   Dear Bad Luck ….. Let's break up.

   I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

   Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

   Please don't hesitate if you want to contact me so I can ignore you.

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know you're high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.

   i pirate so many songs & movies that I should download a boat