Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Actually,,, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......

   There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...

   Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for seabiscuit?

   Dear automatic toilet,,,, I appeciate your enthusiasm,, but I wasn't done yet...

   "Slow, I say a-slow! Slow ride, I say. Take it easy now, I say, a-take it real easy, now I say." -Foghat Leghorn

   I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

   We couldn't afford to go to "SeaWorld",, So I took the kids to the fish market,, and it went like this.. Kids: Dad,, why aren't the fish moving? Me: Shhh,,,, the fish are sleeping.. Kids: But,,They're breaded ?Me: that's their blankie..

   "You must not only respect the pouch, but yourself as well." - Capri-Sun Tzu

   In addition to the Block,,, Facebook needs to add a Tackle option.

   sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force

   By the volume of the pans clanging amd slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something

   Roses are red.... Violets are blue... I waited till the last second, and Hallmark was closed... So are you still mad at me or what?

   I just figured out my taxes & I have to pay.. But I have to do my part.. Otherwise some guy who paid no taxes in the 1st place wouldn't get a refund.

   The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels

   MyWife: Remove my dress..Good.. Now slowly unhook my bra.. Nice..Take off my panties.. Mmm great......NOW DON'T EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!

   Last night I tried to hang myself with about 20 bungee cords... If you're wondering,,, I almost died a bunch of times

   Like my dad always says,, "Find out what you don't do well,, and then don't do it.".. It's one of our Family Traditions...

   Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?

   I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.