Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for 'Money' .... So I woke up and started searching with him

   I should be noticed as a hero, I save lives EVERY DAY...because there are people who need to be shot and I don't shoot them.

   I'm so tired of wanting the people who don't want me.

   My middle finger gets horny every time it sees you.

   The Best feeling ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple hours to sleep.

   My friend text me a joke, good thing I was pooping when I got it cause I would have pissed myself

   Marriages should come with three NFL-style "challenges" a year.

   Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   dear rapper, pls stop using sirens in ur songs sincerely, paranoid smoker

   Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.) : ಠ_ಠ

   In the words of Mike Tyson, "I am gonna **** this Monday until it loves me"

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P

   If drinking tequila straight from the bottle is wrong, then I'm the wrongest person at this church service.

   Rub her the wrong way and she'll scream AT you. Rub her the right way and she'll scream FOR you!

   Flying free & wrecklesly, Til someone picked up the fly swatter!

   no letters were harmed in the making of this status update....okay, maybe the letter E's got stabbed but they had it coming....

   "Fix You". One of my favourite Coldplay songs. Please don't sing it tonight though!

   The brain has around 100 billion neurons in it. Makes you think

   Just heard that Janet Jackson and Randy Travis are doing the Super Bowl halftime show..