Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

   What has the world come too? I over heard some people talking. A 15 yr old girl said "I'm pregnant" and I think it was her aunt who said "Congratulations". Are you serious? Congrats? How about you just ruined your life, you dumbass wh0re

   Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.

   Women must care about flooring more than men. I don't know any man who has left a room because the carpet did not match the drapes, but yet many women are left disappointed by a lack of hard wood in their bedroom.

   People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.

   It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What!? I took an oath!

   I don't get the whole "half baked idea" thing....I prefer to be fully baked when I come up with my ideas.

   I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.

   Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."

   Roses are grey,,, Violets are grey,,, Friggin'-Woof. I HATE being a dog..