Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So broke right now, if a thief robbed me, he'd just be practicing.

   I need a safe word to protect myself during masturbation.

   Yes dear I can put your keys in my handbag. Yes and your wallet dear. Oh sure your phone too. You sure you don't want a handbag for yourself

   I pick my nose like it's going to make me a sandwich afterward.

   I'd vote for Darth Vader if I knew he could fix the economy.

   I thought period sex was when you dressed up in colonial clothing and got your freak on.

   I suppose one consolation about being blind is that you're always a supermodel in your eyes.

   I've decided that I want to die from a severe Pizza Overdose.

   The worst mistake a man can make is to say ''I'm all ears honey'' to a woman.

   It's called ''Honeymoon'' because sooner or later, you wish you were on the moon far away from the devil disguised as ''Honey'' you just married.

   Never underestimate the huge power of a sincere smile and a beautiful gun to your face.

   Suicide bombers invented blow jobs.

   I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

   How much cocaine is 2 much? Do you think security will view me ridding the elevator from the 1st to 2nd floor for the past 3hrs suspicious??

   If you sucked as much as your attitude does, all the men would be much happier.

   The best thing about being an a$$hole is never having to worry if people like you, because the answer is always 'yes'.

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   If you're going to be an ass, remember to be a smart one; not a dumb one.

   I would hurt the people that I love for a taco right now.

   Iphones, so people know you're a douche bag with out having to say it