Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about relationships is realizing the full level of batsh!t crazy you are capable of achieving.

   If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.

   Oh for god sake, just fall in love with me already so I can stop acting normal.

   Mexican word of the day... Bishop. "My girlfriend fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the Bishop"

   Jessica Simpson is such an inspiration to nobody.

   Note to self: When picking your nose in the car... watch out for speed bumps.

   People who cry like a baby over repeated jokes. Life is short - stop sulking.

   I remember waking up after my first wet dream....I thought a ghost had came in and gave me a handjob.

   "Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive."

   Friday is the beginning of my liver's workweek.

   The only time to lower expectations is 30 minutes before the bar closes

   When did this become "Un-comical, Boring Political Status Messages for Facebook"?

   Every time that hoe inside my G.P.S. gives me wong directions I pimp slap her with the mute button. :-D

   I hate it when I the most important part of a post

   I'm wearing my heart in my chest again. The sleeve idea was dangerous and stupid

   Life is too short to be a basketball player

   Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off

   How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,

   It's been over 30 years but I still have a bone to pick with my guidance counselor. Becoming a computer programmer did NOT make me a chick magnet. That's the last time I ever take advice from someone wearing Vulcan ears.