Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

   Some call it "being naive", I call it "just not caring enough to look into it any further" ...

   ....and THAT is how I won the staring contest against Mt Rushmore.

   Call me insensitive but I'm going ahead and declaring Art Modell's passing as the Browns first win this season. 1-0 baby!

   My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk

   I hate it when I get into argument with another person and that other person is me.

   Now is the later I avoided earlier.

   I sometimes feel kinda brave until I see a slightly above average size moth.

   Silence is golden… unless you have a toddler. Then in that case silence is very very suspiscious.

   ‎'Jesus loves you.' Comforting to hear in church; terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison

   Pretty soon, evolution will kick in and women will be born without a gag reflex.

   Apparently asking if there's a fitting room at Condom Sense is frowned upon.

   Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

   When I'm having a crappy day, sometimes I'll yell out "Computer, Arch!" hoping it has all been a Star Trek Holodeck simulation.

   Politicans should stop acting like high school girls. The first one who doesn't talk bad about the other one and just states what he will do to fix the country is the first one I would be happy to vote for

   Can Travelocity help me find a vacant womb for the weekend?

   There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up, it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap.

   The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....

   Without women, life would be a pain in the ass. If you don't get this, you're too young to be on Facebook.

   The way to a girl's heart is presents. The way to a woman's heart is presence.