Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got 99 problems but an awesome right hand ain't one of them...

   Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem…

   I guess being a rich candidate became an issue sometime after the Kerry/Edwards campaign…

   Today is one of the few days of the year I can pretend to be a Kardashian (do nothing and get paid for it).

   RIP-Michael Clark Duncan. You've walked the last "Green mile".

   So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.

   getting tired of waiting for Snow to follow up Informer

   It would be funny if in the last episode of How I Met Your Mother, Old Ted tells his kids "I'm just kidding, I never met your mother. You're adopted.

   People posting... "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   If I had a nickel for every time I banged your mom I could afford to bang her again today.

   Facebook: Making relationship's look better then they actually are since 2005

   My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box.

   Me and my friends were once in a band called 'Pubic Hair.' We were big in the 70's.

   Most Paralympic competitors get involved in their sport by accident.

   People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion of this world is that people are used and things are loved.

   If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest "saggy pants", KNEES TO CHEST!

   Picking a wedding reception venue is a lot like picking a college - I'm looking for a good place to drink, hang out with my friends and get laid

   Lance, Neil and now, Billie Joe!! Watch out Stretch!!!

   I am at DEFCON 5. My espresson machine has died..........

   Waking up this morning was a stupid idea.