Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate females like this: "I'ma slap that b*tch when I see her, she got me f*cked up!" *girl walks past.* "She lucky she ain't look my way."

   Are you there God? It's me, chocolate... They keep putting me on raisins..... I KNOW,,,It's weird huh?

   Stop complaining about your relationship if you're gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..

   I've been disappointed so many times, not giving a crap is almost a reflex

   Hey girl, how about you dont tell me how much beer I should drink, and I wont tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   I heard the new NBA 2K13 is so real that when Kobe gets the ball, the pass button just stops working.

   When I kill a spider, I don't clean it up, I leave it there so the rest of the spiders know not to mess with me.

   When Vanna White dies her family will receive a lot of touching letters.

   Gin makes you Sin. And it's also an easier word to rhyme than vodka or bourbon.

   Be thankful.....in dog years, you're dead.

   How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

   Would a novel about an ethnically diverse community of slightly more than 4 dozen people devoted to alternative sexual lifestyles be titled "50 Shades of Gay?"

   Females will stop speakin to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.

   You gotta text her goodnight if she special. The other women just get the "oh my bad I fell asleep" text in the morning.

   Fun idea: empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Freaks out snooping house guests.

   Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.

   Guys get hurt too, we just don't make songs about our heartbreaks.

   If your kind of fun doesn't involve bruises, then you are not having the right kind of fun.

   Women: Let me overthink everything you just said, connect them to things you said years ago and pick a fight about it when you least expect

   The lap of luxury is comfortable, but the arms of delusion are snug.