Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Holly Christ!! I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   I like to name my bottles of wine. That one is Happiness... that one is Horniness... and that one is Empty.

   I was so happy when I lost my virginity cause I was no longer eligible to be in any of those sacrifices I signed up for as a dare.

   If your spouse ever asks you what you think your marriage needs, "more cowbell" isn't the right answer.

   My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday

   I got a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head and now I'm a lesbian

   The best part of marriage is divorce.

   Hey girly, how about you don't tell me how much beer I should drink, & I won't tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   Whats with this SONG POP thing everyone is doing and what does it taste like???

   Listen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them you idiot.

   Today I saw a guy on a motorbike wipe out. Thank goodness I was there... or I wouldn't have been able to steal his wallet.

   when I'm good, I'm great.  When I'm naughty, the neighbors need a cigarette!!!

   Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, then what are you actually doing?

   You know it's good sex when the neighbors call the police and a priest.

   Sorry for my bluntness, that's just how I roll.

   They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week.

   I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.!!!

   Just brushing my teeth & putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear, "You're going to have to pay for that!" This Wal-Mart sucks.

   “Leftover Bacon” – a phrase you've never heard before.!!!