Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've watched Cowboys and Aliens 13 times and I still don't know when I'm supposed to masturbate.

   I was asked how I can be happy when those I love suffer. They need my light during those times not my darkness. I burn brighter FOR them.

   We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don't work in vending machines?

   If I wasn't so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.

   Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.

   I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.

   It's impossible for a woman to say 'I'm not overreacting' without screaming.

   Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.

   According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.

   When did half the world start thinking that "realize" was spelled "realise?"

   I'll take the mormon over the moron.

   Dear women who say “Everyone says I look younger than my age!” They're just being polite...you don't…

   After one too many remarks about her weight, my wife went berserk. She screamed, "If you keep up with these fat jokes, you'll drive me to suicide!" "Well I'd have to, you wouldn't walk would you?" I replied.

   A little boy asks his dad, "Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?" His dad replies, "Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!"

   Where are you, Ray Nagel? New Orleans needs you! Said no one ever...

   I hate when couples say "we're expecting a baby" ... like you're not expecting an alien to rip out of your tummy? Oh okay, thought it was either one or the other.

   I wonder if chickens ever wake up feeling foul?

   As students return to campus, remember, college is a fountain of knowledge and students are there to drink.

   Irony: Speed Dating at a Star Trek convention with the disclaimer “No Weirdos” on your profile

   Once they invent a vibrator that can also kill spiders, a lot of us are gonna haveta find a new place to live ツ