Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember ladies, you can be anything you want, like a Doctor's nurse, a lawyer's clerk or the President of the US………..Shoppers Association.

   will now destroy a little piece of everyone's childhood by pointing out that "The Banana Splits" were the ORIGINAL furries

   Watching the RNC, I find it quite ironic that Romney is wearing flip-flops.

   I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.

   wants to be the very best, like no-one ever was

   The speed of a movie loading on Netflix is approximately three sandwiches.

   Snooki has given birth. This can only mean one thing to the cast of Jersey Shore: placenta shots!

   I swear if my memory gets any worse, i'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

   I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by....he didn't see the ladder sticking out the back.

   How scary was it when robo-cop took his helmet off for the first time?

   If you aren't liberal as a youth, you don't have a heart. If you aren't conservative as an adult, you don't have a brain…

   Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

   I love people who gossip behind my back... that's just where they belong, behind ME!

   Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you "Yeah.. So is a grenade.?

   Oh, you brought a laptop with you to Starbucks? You must be so very important.

   Will you write on your girlfriend's Facebook wall telling her how much you love each her?" ~Said Nobody, ever.

   If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you're not naked near enough.

   Be yourself" is the worst advice you can give to some people.

   Starbucks really knows how to put the "fee" in coffee.

   For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!