Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   •You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   The man, whos 1 step was a giant leap for mankind has died. RIP Neil Armstrong.

   First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong.I see god is no fan of moon-walkers.

   Don't you love when you put a load in the dishwasher and it swallows?

   If bad things happen in threes I'd hate to be Billie Joe Armstrong today.

   I'm really looking forward to the hurricane coverage to see which news reporter falls flat on their face from the wind...Ahhh, watching them fall never gets old!

   Love you ALL!!! Yes even you, you twisted little duck lipped 18 year old friend of my daughter...

   If I could do it all over again. I would have kids and raise them in an Amish Community and make them believe that it is the year 1693. Then when they are 16, I'm going to tell them I've invented a 'Time Machine', and I will send them into the 'future'

   A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman...but a beautiful woman with a brain is a lethal combo.

   Every time I fart in my office, it's always 2 seconds before someone decides to walk in.

   Drunk Logic: "she's only ugly in the face."

   Yellow, Orange, Red. Gatorade has colors, not flavors.

   The first person who offers to tell you about the facts of life usually doesn't have a clue...

   Life is full of rejection. Even my credit card has been denied

   SWEARING: because sometimes "gosh darn-it" and "meanie head" just don't cut it

   I'll start respecting religion when it starts respecting every human being equally regardless of race, gender, & sexuality.

   Every time I see someone post, "Who wants to Facetime me?"...... I giggle a little bit.... Please tell me I'm not the only one.

   HURRICANE Tip: Make certain to create a giant "X" with duct tape on all your windows to alert neighbors you are an idiot.....

   IF god exists, why is he supporting the government?

   If you find something wrong with EVERY person you meet maybe its because you haven't been introduced to yourself!