Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You bound us together with your emotional handcuffs then swallowed the key. Now we're both waiting for it to come out the other end.

   If I do bring out the worst in you, why are you still here?

   There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.

   "Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

   The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.

   So, Tom Morello with Rage Against the Machine hates capitalism even though, thanks to capitalism, he's worth 60 million????

   Hey autocorrect, stop messing with my d@mn cur$e words. You m0ther forklift.

   The world ain't ending on the 21st of december 2012, cuz Marty, Jennifer and Dr. Brown from Back To The Future II will be coming to this world on 15th of October 2015.

   The way kids are these days it won't be long till MTV has a show called tween mom.

   My wrist injury is better now that Olympics women's beach volley is over.

   I grew up in a tough neighborhood. Frequently, the green berets would pick on me. People call them Girl Scouts, but whatever...

   Behind every good time ...there is alwayz a crime.

   Pissing people off since 1989....And getting better at it everyday !!!

   Girl: "Go on, don't be shy and ask me out." Boy: "Ok, get out."

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice, but it's still a choice.

   Actually,,, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......

   "Don't you play stupid with me!" shouted my wife. "Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?" I replied.

   There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...

   They are making a new pirates of the carribean. It's called "Pirates of the Carribean - Curse of We Still Don't Know What the Hell This Movie Is About"