Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Told my wife today she looked sexy with black fingernails Now she thinks I slammed the car door on them on purpose !!!!!

   Lost my hearing a few years back. It's gonna suck when my wife finds out...

   Sometimes I cover myself in vasoline and pretend I'm a slug.

   My body language must be in a foreign language because nobody seems to understand me.

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Her vibrat0r is a very close second.

   I'm not "Mr Right" but I'll do freaky stuff to you till he shows up.

   "SWAG" LOL....I love to know where words originate from and in the 1960's a group of men came up with the term "SWAG"....it's meaning Secretly We Are G@y!! True story!! So go get your SWAG on and please post on FB everytime you do so I can laugh at you!!

   A man came to my door and asked if I would make a donation to the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

   I don't know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.

   Has anyone seen my sisters baby I'm supposed to be watching? It's no big deal, just let me know. Time is becoming an issue.

   The term SWAG originated in the 1500's ... the only thing secretly gay is you.

   I don't know about you, but I can't wait to be ashamed about what I do this weekend.

   You can tell we're in a depression and poor cuz everyone's Verizon ringtone is that d@mn Mozart classical song.....

   Dear google, when I type in the letter A and you suggest Anna Kournikova Nude, please produce results, Thank you.

   The first rule of Mormon fight club is: Going door to door and talk about Mormon fight club

   When Egypt had no internet, it was just called Gypt.

   I don't know what is more nerve wrecking... this first kiss or the first fart.

   "I love it when you rub your happiness in my face & facebook" said no one ever.

   I thought the term "chillaxin" meant chilling at home with laxatives. Looks like it's going to be a long night.

   Do people still leave voice mails?