Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking of joining the Mortal Kombat tournament. I am pretty deadly with Hulk hands on.

   I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

   Before Drake started saying YOLO, did ya'll suckas think you could live twice or something??

   "Swag", sounds like something that gathers between my nuts and anus.

   Advice from Aunt Fanny: #173 Remember, it's bad luck to be superstitious.

   Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated.

   I've learned something. The bigger the girl, the bigger the att!tude.

   That 3D ultrasound photo you posted is scaring the sh*t out of everyone.

   I thought instagram was a cocaine delivery service.

   I am going to walk over and start shaving my b@lls at the cubicle of the next person that clips their nails at work.

   I sometimes choke on my food just so someone will hold me.

   n't it weird when you see someone driving a car they have no business driving? Like when you see me driving away in your car?

   If you can take my girl, then you can have her. If I can take your girl, then you can have her too.

   I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry “invasion of privacy” when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public.

   I get so forgetful during sex... wrong username or wrong safe word every time.

   Some guys shave their balls, but real men tweeze.

   The fact that you can still make me smile really pisses me off.

   You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg

   it really considered a date if I have to keep tipping her?

   I can turn wine into sex.