Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, food, or sex. Not in that particular order either.

   Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow

   You can't fix stupid, but you can duct tape it!

   Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.

   In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."

   I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.

   Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

   wait for it wait for it

   When I said that you are like a stream of bat pi$$, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is darkness.

   You can take one hell of a beating from an olive branch.

   Mark Zuckerburg's Facebook fortune dropped to a new low of 10.2 Billion today....How is he ever going to survive??

   Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.

   Ladies,,, How do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket?.. Quick,, The lady patrol officer's coming..

   My wife is a banquet cook... If it says Banquet on the box, she can cook it!

   Dear God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

   If swimming would just add one shark, I would watch it more than football.