Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is not like I was a productive person before Facebook anyway

   Dear people that celebrate whenever they acquire a new "hater", add ME to the list.

   Never tell a lady you wanna have sex with her mouth. Ask NICELY. "May you show me what your mouth can do?" Be a damn gentleman for once!

   What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend.

   I was gonna tell my wife she sucks for not giving me an@l but then I realized she doesn't do that either.

   I don't hate you, because even hating you would be a waste of my emotions.

   whenever my nephew says i'm his girlfriend I tell him just because we're from oklahoma doesn't mean we have to play the part.

   That pervert watched me and my girlfriend have sex! Man I hate Spiders!

   Even though I can't fix stupid, maybe this duct tape will keep it from getting worse.

   Sex might satisfy, food might fuel, love might sustain, but without booze, what is the point?

   We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

   MAN: "Hi. I'm Bond.....James Bond. What's your name?" WOMAN: "Off.....Fu¢k Off."

   _ I'll bet if it ever really rained cats and dogs, Bob Barker would be pissed because who's gonna neuter them all?

   Oooooh, It's SHARK week and NOT "shart" week...embarrassing :/

   I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone.

   There are 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   I Left my wife after she developed a strange fetish. She liked to dress-up as herself and act like a f--king c--t all the f--king time.

   Was it wrong to wear a "I love happy endings" t-shirt to massage envy?

   I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.

   They asked me at the hospital to be an organ donor. I didn't have one, but I left them my old guitar... hope it helps.