Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should make a reality TV show called, "Jersey Shore meets Shark Week"

   Ive been to many second hand stores in my day and never have I come across a rasberry beret

   Government: Trickling Poverty up, so every one is Equal today......

   Won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then I realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom.

   Stupid Nexium commercial : "You wouldn't want your doctor doing your job." Yes I would. I want anyone besides myself to have to do my job.

   I ran 3 miles after work today and stopped by Arby's and got me LARGE chedder cheese and roast beef samich and some fries . Take that Michelle .

   Obama just endorsed oxygen. Republicans immeditely starting holding their breath.

   I would love to agree with you, but there is no point in both of us being wrong.

   Don't waste sweetness on someone that is bitter.

   Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.

   Love doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be true.

   That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.

   Alien 1: “Did the humans get our message?” Alien 2: “Yeah, but they named it dubstep and dance to it.”

   My wife was banned from Disneyland for knocking Pinnochio down, sitting on his face and screaming "Lie to me!! Lie to me!"

   Worst FB moment in your life... Friend request from your mom.

   Did you hear of the women vision of Hooter ? it is called Rooster

   THE EXPENDABLES = Retirement home for Action heroes

   Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought her back!

   B!tch please, life aint that short to have sex on the very first date.

   he gets his morals from the men's room wall.