Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.

   If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."

   What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?

   .Been staring at this cardinal in my tree outside my window... If he don't get down in the next five minutes, I'm calling the f@#king church!

   ..taking into account that Iron Man and Batman's super powers are being super rich and smart, makes me really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not work-related or Mel Gibson!

   Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.

   Commercial time. I'll just flip through and see what else is on.......1 min later....What the HelI was I just watching??????

   WOW!! What a great dream!!! I'll never forget dreaming that me and ..um..um...um...Who was it?? Well, we um, um, um, um.....Oh crap!!!! Forgot it already!!

   Mary Jane is the only woman that won't complain when you hit her.

   Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they're about to take a picture?

   Just as I suspected! Monday suxs!!!!

   Oh, the things I do for love...like lie to the police concerning my whereabouts the night of August 4th...

   No matter how much you shake & dance, the last few drop fall in your pants

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   Why does Cheaters need a camera crew of 600?

   I feel sorry for men who don't know how to value women. One look at a woman and I KNOW how much she will cost me.

   You never forget the first time you learned what a PROLAPSE is. Damn you, Google images.

   I heard a guy complaining how expensive his wedding is costing him. Boy, he is gonna be real pist when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost

   can't understand why Victoria's Secret incorrectly refers to these "wine-drinking, recliner pants" I'm wearing as "yoga pants."