Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the plural for goose is geese, why isn't the plural for moose meese?

   Whenever God closes a door,, he usually pushes me out of a window..

   My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.

   Hearing noises when you're home alone and just accepting the fact that you're going to die.

   That feeling when you get annoyed of texting the same people everyday.

   They ignore you now, but they'll need you later.

   dear super bowl halftime organizers. You watching the Olympics??

   Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.

   Damn! Freddie Mercury has never looked better!!

   America, a country where people spend half of their money on food, and the other half on losing weight.

   Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!

   If you're 13 & under & have a Facebook, that's cheating. You gotta start from Myspace —-> Twitter —-> Facebook. Just like everybody else.

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog... The dog gets it.

   If Facebook were an Olympic sport i'd be on the cover of a Wheatie's box.

   When a married couple stops having sex, at first they complain about it...but after awhile y'all get used to it. She walks out of the shower and you don't even look...because you know there is nothing there for you.

   And now Keith Richards coughs on the Olympic cauldron... snuffing it.. forever.

   Oasis? Spice Girls? Fatboy Slim? I think the music director for the Olympics closing ceremony got ahold of my MP3 player from when I was in college 11 years ago.

   I was just reading the obituaries there a some good houses coming on the market soon

   If it wasn't for Yahoo Answers, there's no way I could know this numb black foot was just a headache.

   I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.