Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see a parent who doesn't give in to their kids tantrum,,, I want to give them the medal of valor

   it too much to ask to get my free stolen ppv stream in HD?

   Chad Johnson was arrested for domestic violence...apparently he beat the crap out of Randy Travis.

   I was looking for a romantic spot to watch the meteor shower, but I guess the strip club here doesn't have a skylight.

   David Boudia.... the first US man to win platform diving gold since Greg Louganis, and just as gay.

   I want to be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

   Why do people re-post the same status? It wasn't funny 2 days ago. It's still not funny today

   Toddlers have an uncanny ability to hear & repeat every cuss word you utter but ignore every suggestion on avoiding injury & imminent death.

   My 80 year young mother in law and I are fighting over who's gonna drive to the strip club..... priceless

   My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

   You really inspire me to be a bitter person.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   I see you over there practicing selective intelligence.

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to.

   Man I sure hope these Brazilian volleyball chicks make out to celebrate their win.

   No matter what, your parents bed will ALWAYS be comfier than yours!

   I wonder if the Ethiopian Blend Coffee I just bought is fat free?

   Well, I'm off to check out the Perseid Meteor Shower...Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna get drunk, fall over backwards and try to see Uranus.

   Will somebody write something houmorous, all this one line bile is not funny !!