Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whats the hardest part about being a roller blader? Telling your parents your gay.

   My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..

   A recent study estimated that 8% of all Facebook accounts are fake… unless you count people's personalities, then that number jumps to 93%.

   Honk if you're not in your car....... (My new bumpersticker)

   One time at a job interview, I was asked: "What can you bring to this company?" I told them: "paper clips, lots of paper clips"

   My circle of friends is a dot.

   Handball - A sport for countries that suck at basketball and soccer

   Finished I couldn't believe it when my wife demanded sex the other night just before the start of the 100 meter's final but I have to say, I was pleased with my performance.I finished before Bolt.

   To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake: haha, in your face!

   I have a friend that has 3 jobs. Weatherman, Politician, and car salesman. I don't think he's very truthful.

   Because of gas prices,, the Motor Trend Car of the Year for 2012 is walking.

   I think each Olympic event should include a competitor randomly picked out of the spectator stands to keep things interesting.

   The three reasons for liking a status: 1) I agree with you. 2) I realize this is about me, of course I'm gonna like it. 3) I like you.

   It's not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.

   If you had to die, this would be the best way... Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.

   I hope the Olympics teaches kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   "I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others." - The phrase that started Facebook

   Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

   Knowing your family so well that you can tell who's coming down the stairs and walking through the house just by the sound of their footsteps.