Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This place smells of sexual frustration, hopelessness, loneliness, disappointment Skittles & vodka. God it's good to be at home.

   I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that shit

   Well YES,,,, Actually, I've been published in Several bathrooms throughout the Northeast...

   What happens when you autotune Stephen Hawking?

   Want to know something about me??? Well,,, ANYTHING a monkey points at,,,,, I will Immediately look at....

   Whenever you refer to a "hot girl" in your story,,,, I'll say, "She wasn't that hot, But go on."

   Attention friends who don't understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it's beyond your skill level.

   I MAY have just clinched Olympic Gold,, by going 5 for 5,,, in my "popping the trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station." routine.

   Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book.....deserving of a happy ending....

   It amazes me how many people complain about privacy on Facebook than have there profile set to public. Morons!

   If only they had and Olympic event for Facebook, my FB friend would win Gold everytime in the Drama event..

   What the hell is humourous whit, and why would anyone brag about it?

   it just me or does it seem like the Olympics have been on for like 10 days straight now???

   “if I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning.” And yet, people complain about today's song lyrics…

   The best times of my life were spent either blowing bubbles or playing with titties…

   Now I see why the Jamacia's flag is Green,yellow and black.. It's the color bananas go........

   News: German diver receives a 0.0 score. Apparently, Olympic judges don't appreciate cannon balls.

   This Ethiopian Athlete can totaly beat Usain Bolt in a sprint race if you put food on the finish line..

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   "Where were you,, on the night of November-to-April?" - Alaskan Prosecutor.