Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

   I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of u, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!

   swears if burn my mouth on ONE MORE PIECE OF PIZZA...I will probably continue to buy and eat pizza for the rest of my life.

   That earthquake lasted longer than Kim Kardashian's relationship.

   Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making them feel inadequate. Then they buy 12 inch dild0s.

   My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.

   If by girlfriend material you mean lying on the couch in my undies, shoving nutella in my mouth and smoking pot I guess I'm your girl.

   Making strangers uncomfortable since 1980!

   Show me on your minivan where did your life go wrong and spiral out of control?!?.

   their a Jehovah Witness Protection Program?

   Make my heart skip a beat and I will rock your world. Make my period skip a month and I will collect your child support for the next 18 yrs.

   NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..

   China has won 16 medals so far in the following sports... Ping pong, trampoline, and badminton. I'm not complaining, just wondering why there's no sports like bowling, dodgeball or beer pong?

   I would "like" many interests, tv shows, people, etc on facebook except I don't want to see the stupid wall posts I get as a result of it.

   feels all warm and fuzzy inside. Like I've swallowed a kitten.

   You had me at: I'm calling the police.

   I've paid for my sins. Now give me my change!

   there is no better way to follow everyone in the world then here!!:) also I can save the money I spend on the van and candy!

   sexier than socks on a rooster.

   I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.