Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're all like corn.... Just passing through

   Guess who has two thumbs and is high off bath salt… sh!t where are my fu cking thumbs…

   Pull your skirt down, sweetie. Your daddy issues are showing.

   "I'll eat your kids for breakfast!" - me talking to a chicken.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   I'm so blessed not to have you in my life.

   Dear Religion, While you were debating what chicken sandwiches were okay to eat, I just landed on Mars. Sincerely, Your Pal Science

   If I'm napping in my car, don't wake me up unless I'm driving

   I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

   My morning glory is lots of coffee and nobody contacting me before noon.

   Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!

   Instead of stressing, whining and crying over him, use that energy to get over him.

   In Call of Duty you can get booted for inactivity, let's put this into dating rules.

   Babe, you can find the key to my heart in any liquor store.

   My online password is now strong enough for their website. But now it's too complicated for me.

   The only time sex should be taken off the table is if I am moving her to the counter instead

   National anthem of jamica isn't bob marley?

   My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum

   with the intergration of females into the NFL referee ranks the need for instant replay will soon be a thing of the past. In my experience WOMEN ARE NEVER WRONG!! SO this is a Win!!Win!!