Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just deleted and blocked the Pope. I don't need him reading my sh!t.

   At restaurants, I'm asked what I want but when I sit & cry for hours, I'm asked to leave. It's like they don't even care that I want.

   I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!

   I just took a poop so black, I sent an instagram of it to Kim Kardashian and she asked what team it plays for

   We threw the body in the river. Then he just shrugged and asked if I ordered pizza yet. That's when I knew we were best friends.

   Preferred sexual position depends on your partner's breath; therefore, doggie remains the favorite for morning sex.

   I feel bad for deaf people until I remember Justin Bierber.

   Ladies, please. Get a hold of yourselves. There's enough of me to disappoint all of you.

   I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.

   If these were Biblical times, instead of flogging Jesus they woulda forced him to watch "Jersey Shore" in it's entirety

   I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

   If you're happy and you know it go share that bullsh!t on facebook.

   Sex is awesome as long as you don't accidenatlly catch or create anything.

   Ending sentences with prepositions is not something I have a problem with.

   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

   My good morals are in my other pants.

   OMG. A real girl in real life just tried to talk to me. I didn't know what to say, so I asked her what her zodiac sign was. That's good, right?

   I hate it when subway picks the crappiest sub for their "$5 sub of the month"

   Played “Big Pimpin” when I saw the Jay-Z's at Toy R Us yesterday. It was worth the a$$ whipping!!

   Even in the Olympics, women's basketball is unwatchable.