Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's so hot, my balls are now best friends with my knees...

   Why do people always pick their noses when they're at a stop light when everyone can see them.

   So....Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass....DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison.....so much for complete cavity protection!

   You will always find me in the kitchen at parties... unless you've stashed the booze in a different room.

   You know it's hot outside when you see the Pillsbury dough boy climbing back into the oven while muttering "Screw this, I'd rather be in here."

   Former Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan was arrested today on a DUI.....She blew 8.6 /7.8 /5.6 /.6.7/and 7.3

   (D)umb (R)etards (A)sking for (M)ore (A)ttention

   Former Olympic Skater Nancy Kerrigan was arrested today on a DUI.....She blew 8.6, 7.8, 5.6, 6.7 and the cop.

   just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one...

   nothing makes me forget something faster than your reminder.

   I keep it real like a bad magician.

   Do you know what I hate about this country?...Larry the Cable Guy.

   Guys before you start thinking lesser of yourselves and thinking women are to be worshiped remember that without your rib she wouldn't exist.

   The PAST is real easy to bring into the FUTURE, the real challenge is keeping the past PAST!!

   You know you're getting old, when you pull a non-existent abdominal muscle playing Wii golf…

   Some of these actors are so good at playing the bad guy role that when I see them in real life, I just want to punch them in the throat.

   So orphans only have 9 commandments to deal with?

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.

   The big twist at the end of our lives,, Is that Pluto really was a planet the WHOLE TIME...

   I like women, but not twitter women. (they have pen!ses)