Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.

   Be a deer and stand in the middle of the road for me, would you?

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment

   Her: Do You know how much I love you? Me: how much? Her: This much *spreads legs*

   Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...

   Why does it seem only ugly, fat or old chicks hit on me when I go out to the local watering hole?

   Him to friends: I banged her like a porn star, she probably won't walk for a week. Her: I'm not even sure he was in me the entire time

   I have this arrangement where people leave me alone and then I let them live.

   I once won an argument with a woman…in this dream I had.

   I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.

   I'm shocked that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson! Especially, since I don't have any idea who the they are!!!

   I wonder when people without cars pick their noses...

   Yes please tell me your hopes and dreams because I haven't had a good laugh in awhile.

   Religion - because thinking for yourself is hard.

   Perhaps the greatest fashion revolution was moving the pads from the shoulder to the bras

   If I could vote for just Romney's hair, I would.

   If the sheets are still on the bed when it's over, you're doing it wrong.

   I ALWAYS cry after sex because I don't know when I'm getting it again.

   You know I can't stay mad at you masturbation sock!!