Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so funny this flu virus in my body is taking its sweet time to leave.

   Facebook and now songpop keep telling me to find friends. It's pretty bad when a computer program is telling you that you have a pathetic life.

   Won't get the test results til next week, but the giant shoes & makeup suggest I may have Clown Syndrome

   Stevie Wonder just filed for divorce. He wanted to not see other people.

   There are three stages of a man's life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.

   I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

   Here`s a bit of advice : advi

   At least stevie wonder was faithful, he never saw any other women during his marriage.

   FaceBook....the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K".

   Someone wearing Crocs just told me to never judge someone till you've walked a mile in their shoes.

   AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash... He's gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES

   A week in to the Olympics and finally something to cheer about. A female athlete with boobs visible to the naked eye.

   I'm 14-0 in fights vs. the elderly

   If my balls get any sweatier, they'll start wearing a poncho and speaking Spanish

   Someone cut this gloryhole too big, I can see this guys mustache and it's really throwing my fantasy off

   There are few guarantees in life but if you see a grown man riding a bmx, he knows where to score some meth

   Nothing gives me greater joy than telling the IT guy that my password is "password"

   So what your saying Chick-Fil-A, you will not be sponsoring Men's Olympic Racewalking.

   The tupac hologram at coachella was so realistic, it's already not paying child support for two children

   My toddler just grabbed a slice of pizza, folded it like a pro, and took a bite. It was like watching a paternity test come back positive.