Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is over a billion people in China and there is also only two haricuts

   What is this "growing up" thing and how do I avoid it?

   Ladies, if you unnaturally alter your appearance so drastically it's all one sees, don't be shocked when you attract the shallowest of men.

   I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.

   I was eating Oreos, and I was dunking one in milk and the cookie broke and sank to the bottom. So now I'm just sitting here, staring at the glass and wondering why bad things happen to good people.

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figures on soccer mom vans are actually NOT pedestrian "kill" scores and are actually meant to represent family members. I will remove mine immediately to avoid any further confusion.

   thanks to my typo I posted "Had a good first date last night. I licked her alot." I won't be getting a second date.

   I just masturbated without crying afterwards. Who's emotionally unstable now, SUSAN??

   I don't hate you! I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank...

   I've regretted being nice way more times than I've regretted being a douchebag.

   Don't ever change for anyone. Nothing is worth compromising your beliefs. Unless it's for money.

   This Ramen tastes like unemployment

   #Why #is #the #latest #trend #to #abuse #the "#" #symbol #in #a #status? #English #teachers #have #Twitter #to #thank #for #this! #######

   You can find true happiness inside yourself! Haha, almost had you. I'll meet you at the liquor store.

   Hi welcome to sex with me, I'll be sweating on you and crying for the next 45 minutes

   I think I'm falling in tolerate with you.

   I hate when I can't find a decent status update to steal.

   Being poor is never a reason to hate the rich. You can learn from them, wish & try to be like them, but envy means you have a rotten soul.

   if you want to make me nervous, tell me that you love me.

   It's fun to confuse people by using common sense.