Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Whenever God closes a door,, he usually pushes me out of a window..

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog... The dog gets it.

   My most endearing quality would have to be knowing all the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star"

   Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...

   “You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump

   Never noticed this, but, if you rearrange the letters in 'marriage' it spells 'hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'.

   I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.

   there proper etiquette on how long you have to wait for your wife outside of a store before declaring her dead?

   How many Feminists does it take to finish this joke without offending anyone?

   Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.

   Ladies,,, How do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket?.. Quick,, The lady patrol officer's coming..

   My wife is a banquet cook... If it says Banquet on the box, she can cook it!

   My mother-in-law has to work for "Tips",,,,,,,,,, Yeah,, You see, Nobody will put the whole thing in....

   The first rule of Mormon fight club is: Going door to door and talk about Mormon fight club

   When Egypt had no internet, it was just called Gypt.

   If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt

   My wife is out of town for the weekend... I've already slid across the floor in my socks and underwear...... Now what?

   Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?

   I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.

   It's great that they're searching for Amelia Earhart again,, But I think we've got to brace these people,, there's a good chace she's not alive