JOser Funny Status Messages

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   Never looking back doesn't make you an optimist, lady, it makes you a horrible driver.

   A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool...

   thinks that if at first you don't succeed, you should pray that your future Honor Roll student takes care of you.

   If your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.

   Summer weather; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...

   We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   These food stamps taste terrible...

   These lemons are half empty.

   I would consider becoming Catholic if they made Batman Pope.

   If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute. You're not a very good one.

   Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk sh*t about them.

   I heard that if you sneak into the new twilight movie and blast justin bieber, the combination impregnates everyone.

   I have to go to work after getting my braces tighten, so this will be a good test to see which is more enjoyable.

   I'm proud of the fact that 87% of my day is just me making faces at my coworker while his back is turned.

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.

   I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I pick my hotels solely based upon the items they show in the pictures of their continental breakfast.

   it's canada day, so to all my canadian followers out there I say, "happy fourth of july in three days."

   I'm not having a kid until they come with built-in mute buttons.

   BREAKING NBA NEWS: LeBron James has decided to go with Team Jacob