Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since when are chinese people tall and buff?? :O

   When I came home today I brought in a box of tampons and a package of Tylenol... She told me she's not on her period and she doesn't have a headache. Yup, she was tricked into sex again.

   guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people

   I am tired of all the jokes making fun of the women gymnast because they have no boobs! They can bend over backwards and do splits, So........... CHECK MATE!

   "The glass is half full" ~ optimist "The glass is half empty" ~ pessimist "That looks delicious" ~ alcoholic

   Somebody needs to start a restaurant called "Chick-Fil-Atheist" that's only open on Sunday.

   That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a life saber to open it...

   I wish that some people would realize that talking isn't necessary.

   Call my girlfriend.. Call my girlfrien.. Call oy girly.. Call of gurty.. Call of duty.

   You have "Swag"? I bet that looks great on your McDonald's application.

   Sick of seeing photos of everyone's food? Post a few of your meals on their walls...post digestion.

   If our olympic athletes really eat McDonalds… We're screwed.

   Why did the chicken cross the road.....to get away from the gays

   Maybe this Chick-Fil-A thing was just a big misunderstanding...Where's Rodney King when you need him..

   People nowadays take pictures, not for memories, but to post them on facebook and get comments.

   On facebook* Hot person status: Just ate lunch. *86 likes 30 comments* .. Average persons status: *today is my birthday! *mom likes this

   I wonder how long it takes a girrafe to vomit!

   I tried cooking with wine tonight, after five glasses, I forgot why I was even in the kitchen

   "Bae" = The most annoying word known to man created by some ratchet female that was too lazy to say the whole word "Babe"

   weed"its something to do ,when there's nothing to do,that makes nothing to do,something to do