Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your worst enemy lives in your head.

   Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.

   I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Kool Aid guy.

   Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. It's just a picture book with women b!tching.

   When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.

   Whenever someone says to me "You look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I say, "Do you watch porn?"

   Trying to figure out why Japan seems to be doing so well at the swimming in the Olympics... and then like a giant wave crashing down it hit me.

   Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

   They say love is more important than money. B!tch, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?!

   Am I the only one who thinks this Adalia Rose Bullsh!t needs to end?

   I bet one of these powerful Olympic women could sit on my face & suck out my fillings with one Kegel....Unnhmmm Hope Solo.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

   Teacher: Get out a sheet of paper. Student: LOOK AT ME NOW! Teacher: Excuse me? Student: I'm GETTIN' PAPERRRR!

   Dad: A bird told me you are doing drugs... Boy: You're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?!

   There's no better feeling than proving someone wrong.

   sometimes when I'm bored I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb..