Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am a dandy in the ghetto with a snow white smile

   i dont give hand jobs because I have a v@gina.

   Why the hell would you hire me at this waxing salon if I can't dress up as Zorro and shape a "Z" into everyone's pubes?

   I'm kinda tired of you but in a possessive way.

   it so wrong to bang on your neighbour's door at 2am and ask them to reset their modem?

   You call it Russian Roulette, I call it waking up on Monday.

   Major blackout in India....looks like everybody who needs tech support is screwed.

   coyote ugly does not begin to describe what happened to me last night. The people I do for a Klondike Bar

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower

   I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground

   What do you call a white guy who parties too much? A club cracker.

   China is now entering sperm as contestants in olympic swimming events, claiming they are of age.

   Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?" Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

   We are all turds in the punch bowl of life.

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eyesight'

   In sta gram was much more exciting when I thought it was a fast c0caine service.

   Serious fight has started in Olympics .... as a brazilian girl found her missing hair on a Nigerian Lady

   ''What doesn't kill you makes you smaller!'' -ask Super Mario

   Everybody who needed tech support was screwed when they outsourced it to India way before the blackout.

   The two most annoying things on Earth, unibrows and Indian accents.