Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man Rule #6......Men's Olympic Swimming events are the ''Only'' I repeat ''Only'' time speedo's are allowed!!!

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're a wet paper towel on a stick

   During the opening Olympic ceramony I thought the Chinese uniforms looked pretty good!....And the ones worn by the Chinese team weren't too bad either!!!

   Yes, the carpet does match the drapes but all the furniture is from Goodwill.

   Your profile picture brings the old saying "You can't polish a turd" to mind

   Beauty of Vodka:It looks lik Water!! Beauty of School:Water Bottles are Allowed Irony of Life:We didn't Realize This During Our School Days.

   I can't wait for 12G phones,,, They'll be able to post my posts before I'm finished typing them,, And they'll probably be funnier too.

   Some of my favorite posts don't always get a lot of stars.. That's O.K. They know I love them,, and they love me back... That's all we need.

   XBox Kinect Sports is so life-like... I just got picked last!

   Just walked a mile in my own shoes............ not as good as I thought I'd be

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, what's the name of Justin Bieber's first album?

   If McDonald's made a deep fried pickle covered in a batter and called it the McDill Dough... would you order one?

   Willow Smith is 11 years old and has a tongue piercing, half of her hair shaved off, and is claiming to be bisexual? Sounds like somebody needs to move in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now

   Sometimes I just get so frustrated by the rush-hour traffic that I slam my head on the steering wheel. That's usually followed by the bus driver telling me to get out.

   Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

   No woman can ever be into you, unless with a strap-on.

   We don't have to go to church - lets stay in bed and have our own religious experience.

   Playing with your phone in public is the new I don't know what to do with myself.

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and a gay Chinese guy jumped out and yelled "supplies!"