Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wake up easy most of the time, but every now and then, I wake up hard.

   Why is that when a girl says, "I'm going to die alone," it elicits sympathetic awws, but when I say it people just nod uncomfortably...

   so my son stayed up until 11 last night watching a movie with us and he still got up at 6:45am... hmmm, next time use vodka in his juice maybe? Hey, I just drugged you, this is crazy, but here's a pillow, sleep in maybe?!?!?!

   Caster Simenya's moustache is bigger than mine. I wonder what else of her's is bigger than mine.

   My girlfriend always keep her boobs pressed against my face when she asks me for expensive things.She calls it the "Booby trap"

   My house is like a casino. There are free drinks, no clocks, and lots of skimpy outfits. Now who wants to play slots?

   I've never stolen a kiss, but I've paid for a relationship.

   Won a gold medal in the brolympics tonight for hooking up with the fat friend.

   Rather than wasting time preparing to go to heaven when you die, how about joining us in celebrating and enjoying life here on earth.

   I'm just a guy searching for love and someone to bang the hell out of.

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

   This chick got mad at me one time because that's what they do.

   All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.

   Why are you playing video games when I have all this pu$$y?

   Those opening ceremonies were so lame that...no to call it lame would be a compliment.

   When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

   I hate it when I remove myself from around people to fart in peace and they follow me right after I have release a big one.

   I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.

   I would motorboat you, but the water looks a little shallow.