Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attorney General Eric Holder will take away all your guns!........ Mexican Drug Cartel ''That;s where I got mine!!!''

   When you're an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   Just once I'd like to break out in song and not be "removed from the premises" and "warned for the last time".

   At what point during a one-night stand can you invite him to meet your parents?

   Every Bond movie is like a porno that never happens.

   Girls who are easy on the eyes are usually hard on the balls and wallet.

   So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

   Hmmm,,, So all the instruments used to find "intelligent life" pointed "AWAY" from earth???,,,,, Yeah,, that makes sense...

   Welcome to " Its Friday, b!tch3s!" You may place your attitudes in a laid back or don't give a phock position, underwear is optional, and as always, thank you for joining us on this weekend adventure!!

   They should make untangling headphones an olympic sport.

   I don't do drugs. I just smoke weed.

   80's rock group Starship shocked after hearing the President's speech to find that they didn't build that city on rock and roll, someone else did.

   It puts the lotion in the basket!-Me walking by Bath and Body Works in the mall

   Anyone who calls someone else a bigot is bigot. Your also intolerant of his view. Dumb@ss.

   When people ask me if I play "Draw Something," I take a piece of paper, "draw" the word "NO," and then hand it to them.

   Hey uk at least we know how to put on a opening ceremony. Sincerely china

   opening cerimonies=epic fail...they should have got larry the cableguy.

   Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

   I live for the nights I can't remember with the people I'll never forget