Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a republican is elected president, then America will have officially dispelled the rumor that once you go black, you never go back.

   What if when we die the light we see at the end of the tunnel is just us being pushed out of another V@gina!!!

   Sex is like Math, You subtract the clothes, Add a Bed, Divide the legs, and hope you don't Multiply!!!

   man, I gotta stop insulting people.. anyway, I hope your having a good day and go F**k yourself..

   Why a Beer is better than a woman! 1.A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another! 2. Pour your beer right and you always get good head! 3. You always know when youre the first to pop a beer! 4.You can have several beers in a night and not feel guilty

   A life?! Where can I download one of those?

   Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2011: he died of hunger.

   The most annoying sound = When a fly comes into your house and gets stuck in between the window and the blinds.

   LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.

   Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!

   Nobody should regret anything that made them smile.

   If there are two lanes, the left one is the fast lane. If you are being passed on the right, you are a jerk.

   I just spelled something so badly that my autocorrect had to LOL.

   ..... the next event on the Olympics calender is the unsynchronized FLAG & COUNTRY competition ...

   Life needs to give out Vodka now, enough lemons collected

   California announced that Marijuana Dispensaries will be closing! Do they realize the dramatic impact this will have on the economy. Sales of Funyons, 7-11 Burritos, Visine, and all other junk food are going to plummet!!!

   Got a little too much Sun today! I knew I should have closed the blinds!

   A person automatically becomes ten times more attractive when you find out they like you!!!

   Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.....

   FYI - Double check whats in the cup on the nightstand before waking up and taking a big drink.... Nothing like watered down crown and coke first thing in the morning...