Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved a bunch of money on toilet paper by shaving my a$$hole.

   Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.

   Staringat his blood covered hands muttering, "what did I do for this Klondike bar?".

   I am glad McDonalds doesn't sell hotdogs! I would hate to order a McWeiner!...And don't even get me started on Super Size!!!

   Have you guys ever had sex sober? It's actually kind of gross.

   A gentle breeze blowing through my neigbors windchime collection is the perfect background soundtrack for me taking a dump in his yard.

   I went to Chick-fil-a for lunch...You have to try the Chick on Chick sandwich...

   "Ugh...I get one CALL?? Can I please just text someone?" ~me in prison

   If I could fly, I'd probably still just sit around and complain alot.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   I just spelled something so badly that autocorrect shot milk out of it's nose.

   Tough guys who were their sunglasses on the back of heir heads are just covering up their gay eyes that check out other guys dongs behind them.

   Team Edward? Team Jacob? WRONG! It was Team Rupert.

   Sometimes I'll just go through the internet "liking" sh*t and I don't always really mean it.

   Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.

   What's black and fills out welfare forms?? A pen, you jerk.

   We become what we most hate. So I'll apologize now for eventually playing for the Cowboys

   Both George Zimmermans parents are hispan!c but he's wh!te, Obama's mother is wh!te but he's bl@ck-------Bl@ck people

   If you surround yourself with people who are full of drama, don't b*tch if a sh*tstorm is always blowing through your life.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone, and I'm the a§§høle for tripping him??