Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just seen an illegal mexican boy get into a van with a pedophile. talk about alien vs predator

   Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."

   It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

   I wish I was a pirate, so I could explain why I swashbuckle.

   To the wonderful staff at Walgreens....Thanks for the bathroom key and I am deeply deeply sincerely sorry

   Welcome to the United States...Here is your crack and handgun.....Welcome to Canada....here's your beer and hockey stick

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.

   ‎3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.

   Marriage. When dating goes too far.

   I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process

   Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won't.

   Sometimes relationships last longer when facebook doesn't know about them.

   I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?

   "Yeah. I wanna watch you rub your clot while you duck me. I live that, baby." - I'm done with autocorrect.

   Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about.

   "Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.

   I'd give anything if I could just hear George Jefferson call us "Honky" one more time!

   You ever look at someone and think that there should've been "one child left behind"?

   I'm rich and drive a space shuttle to work! its true check my christianmingle.com profile you cant lie on there cuz jesus runs it