Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Husband-Y r there torn condoms lying on sofa? Wife-What? Where? Wife goes 2 find them & comes back angrily saying-Will you stop calling our children “Torn condoms”?

   I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.

   Sometimes I just want to slap the stupid out of people, but I'm worried it'd take up my entire day

   Life throws you s%it, but the s%it is not always a bad thing, it's taking you to better places…

   Between James Holmes, the Penn State case, and the Penn State fans... there's just a lot of sick people in the world. Trust no one!!

   Gay men in the missionary position are just like yogurt: Fruit on the bottom.

   Looks like Jerry Sandusky is still screwing kids(players) at Penn State even after he's gone!

   There are countless ways of attaining greatness, but any road to reaching one's maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejection of mediocrity."

   I think interrogations of mass murderers, serial killers and terrorists should be broadcasted live on tv.

   The global gender ratio is 60:40. So there are millions of women who cant find a man. Remember that next time we ask you to make a sandwich.

   They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less.

   ''If all Men are created equal, where's the rest of your Pen!s?!!!

   A person who really appreciates you will always walk with you

   A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course he survived the crash.

   All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.

   No party would be complete without that creepy guy sitting in the corner.

   I only go to strip clubs to beg the strippers to release and feed the goldfish in their heels.

   You know what I like most about people? Pets.


   Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.

   The easiest way to confuse a woman is to give her a choice.