Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know I really like someone when I can listen to them talk about pooping and not get grossed out. Apparently, I don't like this girl.

   Ranch dressing is too a pizza topping! Open your mind-hole and stop hating on deliciousness.

   Girls always win because girls always have the v@ginas.

   My date last night told me she loved being handcuffed yet all she did was b!tch at me as we sat in the back of a squad car after the robbery

   Marriage.........when dating goes way too far!

   I wsh mirrors, pictures, and what I think I look like would get together and agree on what I really look like!!!

   I think it is so impolite for people to sneak up on you while you are talking about them behind their back!!!

   I'm not saying you're ugly! I'm just saying you're a 12 pack away from being why type!!!

   My girlfriend is almost perfect. She loves everything about me; listens to me, and cares about my feelings. Her only flaw? She does not exist.

   If I stop my car for you to walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knee's to chest b!tch , knee's to chest!!!

   Charm me with your beauty and intelligence or just wait till I'm really drunk.

   It's amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don't like them!!!

   Facebook is the best international stalking game I have ever played.

   I'm on the road to recovery......I'm just making a stop at the liquor store first

   Avoid arguements about the toilet seat.........use the sink!!!

   Everyone seems Normal until you get to know them!!!

   A paper boy said to a customer ''Mr Smith, I wish I had 20 customers like you!'' ''Wow thats ice to hear considering I never tip and always pay late.'' said Smith The paper boy said ''I know, that's why I'd like 20 customers like you, I have 150 right now

   It is a scientific fact that the gravatational pull of a woman's cleavage on a man's eyes is too strong to be fought!!!

   I love how the best things in life are unexpected

   We all at some point in our lives' think that the who, what & where are not what you thought it to be, but in the end you will have the life with whom you wanted & all the what's accomplished and more importantly be exactly where YOU want to be. Life