Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come when your wife is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but no one rubs your balls and says, "good job"?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich... I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   James Holmes was able to legally buy 6000 rounds of ammo online, and Tommy Chong was put in jail for selling bongs.

   A teenager's brain is 80% song lyrics.

   Obama this, Bush that... How about if you're still unemployed after 3+ years you might just be a loser?

   If my life was a movie, you would be here by now.

   Sometimes I think I'm losing touch with reality. At least my imaginary girlfriend is hot.

   A woman who is clear on her desires, takes and does not wait to be taken.

   I do not like being told what to do unless I'm naked!

   It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!

   Misery loves company. But only if the company is good looking. And brings booze.

   Please be patient… Beer isn't finished with me yet.

   I wish cake went straight to my Pen!s!!

   Due to the Economy, remember that money I said never to worry about?!!!

   Nobody can't 'except' you are a very spiritual person but I'm sure a few could 'accept' it.

   Always the blame game. No matter who the president is everyone's gonna say its his fault we are where we are. We're all Americans lets work together! Regardless of what party youre for! USA!

   @ Nobody ... the bottle said 1 pill every 12 hours, not 12 pills every 1 hour.

   I'm surprisingly nice for someone who hates 99% of people.

   If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.

   I'm a leader. Not a follower. Unless it's a dark place, then f*ck that sh*t you're going first.