Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My nose hair and mustache have apparently completed their long-planned merger.

   I'll bet the best part of being a cat is not knowing what the internet is.

   ladies stop complaining about not being able to find a nice guy who's not a player or cheats open your eyes i'm right here

   Those picky people on house hunters..should be shot at the end of the show..!

   I just met you and this is crazy but I wanna see your titts show me maybe?

   WELCOME TO FACEBOOK - The place where people add you as a friend and walk past you in the street.....

   In a perfect relationship, the only fight you have is about who gets to sleep on the wet spot.

   Sometimes being friend-zoned is just like dodging a bullet. Its for your own good.

   My ex texted me: I Miss You... So I replied: We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f*ck

   You know I have friend-zoned you when I call you "Sister" and we are not even related.

   I would like to cordially invite you all to shut up concerning what you do not know.

   Why do women get so annoyed when you ask them about their periods? If I was bleeding out of my d!ck, I'd totally want to talk about it.

   If you were a real man your girl wouldn't be running to the store for batteries at midnight.

   I would rather smack a piñata filled with diarrhea than go down on a Kardashian.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.

   Love is: doing it in random spots all over the house so no one has to sleep in the wet spot.

   You guys haven't lived until your forced against your own will through a v@gina head first completely naked while your dad cuts your cord.

   You're dead until you prove otherwise.

   Writing a poem for my ex. What rhymes with 'I think I got herpes from your sister'?

   if you're not a bowl, joint, blunt, bong or nipple, I have no idea how to suck you.