Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying shes a hoe, but shes taken more loads than a washing machine.

   People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.............................Benjamin Franklin

   The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!

   I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!

   When you put marshmallows in a ziploc bag, then label it "snowman's poop" just so you can show everyone at Show&Tell,,,, you're obviously gonna grow up and be a Superhero...

   Hey, I'm a girl. I ignore nice guys, chase douchebags, and then complain about it

   I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car!

   Dear Ex, remember those I love you more fights? I won.

   Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.

   Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.

   If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?

   I don't know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It's boring but it isn't worth getting all upset over!!!

   I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.

   I'm going to walmart in a few minutes....does this belt look OK with these sweat pants?

   Hamburger Helper is powerless if the hamburger doesn't WANT to be helped.

   I always leave an empty roll of toilet paper on the wall so it feels neglected.

   I have slowly gotten every single person that I went to highschool w to unfollow me. Kinda reminds me of my actual highschool experience...

   I need a job! I can't eat Healthcare!!!

   A fartnership is that stage in a relationship where farting no longer draws a reaction.

   If there's one thing I really can't stand when I'm drunk, it's up.