Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most important thing I learned today: My Talk to kids/Nice voice sounds INCREDIBLY HOMOSEXUAL

   BREAKING: Penn State to keep Paterno statue, but plan to move it into the showers....Or something like that?

   Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?

   It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.

   Describing yourself as a "morning person" translates to me that you are a fu$king as$hole.

   My I.Q. goes from 125 to about 14 when there's a hot girl around.

   Beers should come with a "May reverse bros before hoes" warning.

   I'm on Twitter because my family is on Facebook.

   Top ten things men understand about women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

   If your status update contains the words, “I know 99% of you won't repost this,” there is a 99% chance you're an idiot.

   Let me ruin your favorite song by playing 15 times a day, 7 days a week!” – The Radio.

   I DON'T want to brag,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, So I won't,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, See how that works?

   Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is easily the worst thing to happen to President Lincoln in a theatre.

   The days of good grammar has went by from now on

   Hmmm,,,,,,, I think this coffee is broken

   Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

   Friday the 13th is such a bunch of crap..... hang on, going to go see what this guy in a hockey mask wants at the door.... it's not even hockey season, what an idiot.... brb

   The only stimulating book I want to read is "50 Shades of Gravy"

   There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team" so....there

   LMS if you remember walking into a restaurant and being asked smoking or non-smoking?