Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will not be happy until I get everybody thinking about my nutsack hanging out of my unzipped, yet buttoned jeans, every time they see

   I slid a piece of toilet paper into the next stall with "I can feel your heartbeat" written on it. You could hear a pin drop in here.

   And the moral of Little Red Riding Hood is,,, Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human...

   They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.

   I don't like the term "substance abuse". I prefer "teaching substance a lesson".

   Funny, this warrant doesn't feel so outstanding.

   Hey ugly girls, stop wearing sexy perfume, you're confusing my d!ck.

   I just saw an entire ginger family walking their dog. You could see the shame in its eyes.

   Don't call a woman's privates by a bunch of ridiculous nicknames. It taint funny…

   My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!

   This girl says she wants to butter my muffin.. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry.

   Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you.

   Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics' album at 4am.

   "I am cleaning up my friends list" should be changed to "I'm notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me."

   Best laid plans are not the best lay. Unplanned lays are best.

   I quit cold turkey, unless it's in a sandwich, but even then, I prefer to warm it up first.

   Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

   I hurt my back playing golf today,I fell off the ball washing machine.

   “Don't drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly! “

   so....I often joke that my wife is too fat for sex....I call her 'Missionary Impossible'....