Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The day I bother to care who doesn't like me around here as opposed to enjoying those who do... is the day I'll kill myself.

   Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.

   I am an Illegal! I came to take your job. But you don't have one to take!!!

   Always look for the good in everyone… if you can't find it, you probably need another drink.

   I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work related.

   Just remember ladies, if nice guys finish last, that means you came first.

   A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

   I chewed my gum for so long, it completely lost it's sweetness, elasticity and turned into goop. So I spit it out. Now I know how all the ladies feel.

   Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.

   My girlfriend went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her "b!tch refresher course".

   Please don't tell me how this p0rn scene ends!!!

   How do I love thee? Let me count the empty cans.

   Confidence is sexy, unless you're a fat girl wearing yoga pants in public.

   Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.

   You don't have to fight over who sleeps in the wet spot if one of you is smart enough to flip the mattress over.

   Scientists have discovered some intelligent dna in women, unfortunately 95% of them spit it out!

   If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.

   Some people think I'm pretty funny until they marry me.

   I once said “a penny for your thoughts” to a girl and it cost me a dollar…

   He's making a list,, and checking it 42 times,,, then washing his hands 11x,, and finally touching the sleigh 3x for good measure...: OCD Santa